Woe Is Us

Great Googley Moogley! Now I know why I try to stay ignorant of world events. It seems that we have inadvertently mailed Taiwan some electrical fuses for intercontinental ballistic missiles. Oops! Is our face red, or what? I'm no techie, but methinks these are the same thing as Minuteman Missiles, which are stored in underground silos in western Missouri and in Kansas, the sunflower state, home of my old college buddy, The Bean. Not that we ever discussed Minuteman Missiles, mind you, what with our thirst for knowledge and studious approach to higher education, and oh yeah, the weekly party hosted at our apartment that pulled in people from far and wide for our most scathingly brilliant live entertainment. But I digress. I am only familiar with the Minuteman Missiles because of that old movie, The Day After, which scared the pants offa me, and kept them off for years, what with my unfortunate year spent teaching in western Missouri for the grand sum of $8500, and seeing such a thingy firsthand.

Apparently, we mailed those fuses a year and a half ago, and boy, that intercontinental mail must be really slow. Perhaps a disgruntled federal employee stored those fuses in the wall of his momma's house for a bit, what with all the work it would take to deliver them. Or maybe we just now figured out our mistake, kind of like that security breach in the candidates' passport files. Or maybe it has been a conspiracy and kept quiet, what with the government being so busy injecting AIDS into 19 percent of the population, and selling them crack at bargain prices.

In any case, I suppose it's good that it was only Taiwan, because if they decided to build a Minuteman Missile around one of those fuses, methinks it would be plastic, and not cause a lot of damage if it hit us. Much more dangerous would have been sending them to China, because then a missile might have come back to bite us in the butt with toxins that would make our slow death from dog food and toothpaste and children's cough medicine totally superfluous.

Don't quote me on any of this. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom learns her world news from three or four lines of Google News stories. She can't be bothered to actually click on them and read the articles. Dial-up, you know. The Hillbilly Curse. But later, I'm going to watch some CNN and MSNBC. In between bashing Hillary Clinton and telling me how I should vote and poking their media noses into politicians' bedrooms, they might carry a sensational story such as this.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom. Misinforming the world one blog post at a time. And buying stock in a handbasket factory as you read this.