HM Declares War On The Devil

I know it's Thursday. But I can't be random. I'm still hot to trot over The Devil and his Playground Politics. Perhaps you can have the random thoughts of Hillbilly Mom on Friday this week. Now, back to our story.

As you read yesterday, I am battling The Devil's Playground over a $50 computer game. In case anyone wants to know the specifics, it is Pirates of the Burning Sea. The Easter Bunny brought it, not having read the fine print, not knowing that it is useless here at the Mansion, because it can only be played on the innernets, and cheapskate HM won't spring for high-speed at thrice the cost we're paying for dial-up. The LSUV's gotta eat, you know.

After my defeat yesterday by the Bleachy Haired Honky B*tch at the non-service counter, I did what any middle-aged hillbilly would do, and called my momma. That woman is a freakin' BRAINIAC, by cracky! She said, "Honey, when she said you could only trade it for a new one of the exact same kind, you should have taken it. Then you would have the new one with the stickers still on it to return." Duh. I ran this scenario past my mathies today, and one of them declared, "I was just going to say that." OK. So my mom is as smart as a 9th grader. She still out-thought the pants offa ME. Oh, and Mabel told me that same thing first hour.

So I took it back today, along with a shirt that I bought during my unfortunate displacement during the up-a-creek-without-a-bridge crisis. Of course I got the same BHHB. I gave her the receipt for the shirt and pocketed my $11 and change. Then I gave her back the game, withholding the receipt this time. I'm a conniving little scamp, I am. I said, "Well, we tried it, and it didn't work, so I guess the only thing I can do is trade it for a new one like you told me yesterday." She set it aside, and told me to bring the new one back up front. (I loves me some prepositions. There's three in a row for you!). Of course I would have to go through the line again. Lots of people were dealing the Devil's goods today. When I brought up the new one, wouldn't you know, I got the other crackpot working the counter. She acted like she didn't believe me, the sauntered down to get the old game that was set aside. "Do you have your receipt?" she snarled. I told her, "No, I had it yesterday, but I misplaced it. And she told me it didn't matter whether I had the receipt." I yanked my head toward the BHHB. Cranky said, "Well, it doesn't." Then why did she freakin' ASK me for it? I swear, one of these days the camera is going to capture a rampage at the Devil's service desk. She made me show my driver's license, then sign a receipt thingy. And she proceeded to pick the stickers off the new game! I was shocked. "Why are you doing that?" She looked at me like I was simple. She sighed. "You gave us an opened game, and we have to give an opened game back to you." I suppose my momma and that 9th grader and Mabel aren't as smart as they think they are. No life of crime for that trio. It simply won't pay.

Now I have two options. I can take that freaking game back every day and tell them it won't work, to multiple Playgrounds if need be, and make them waste about 10 of their precious $50 games. OR, I can take the game I just got today, with the stickers that The Pony had stuck to themselves and we unpeeled and put back on the case, along with my receipt that I carefully retained so the servicers didn't write on it, and have my momma take it to a neighboring Playground tomorrow and get my cash refund.

I think we'll go with door number two.