Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Woe Is Us

Great Googley Moogley! Now I know why I try to stay ignorant of world events. It seems that we have inadvertently mailed Taiwan some electrical fuses for intercontinental ballistic missiles. Oops! Is our face red, or what? I'm no techie, but methinks these are the same thing as Minuteman Missiles, which are stored in underground silos in western Missouri and in Kansas, the sunflower state, home of my old college buddy, The Bean. Not that we ever discussed Minuteman Missiles, mind you, what with our thirst for knowledge and studious approach to higher education, and oh yeah, the weekly party hosted at our apartment that pulled in people from far and wide for our most scathingly brilliant live entertainment. But I digress. I am only familiar with the Minuteman Missiles because of that old movie, The Day After, which scared the pants offa me, and kept them off for years, what with my unfortunate year spent teaching in western Missouri for the grand sum of $8500, and seeing such a thingy firsthand.

Apparently, we mailed those fuses a year and a half ago, and boy, that intercontinental mail must be really slow. Perhaps a disgruntled federal employee stored those fuses in the wall of his momma's house for a bit, what with all the work it would take to deliver them. Or maybe we just now figured out our mistake, kind of like that security breach in the candidates' passport files. Or maybe it has been a conspiracy and kept quiet, what with the government being so busy injecting AIDS into 19 percent of the population, and selling them crack at bargain prices.

In any case, I suppose it's good that it was only Taiwan, because if they decided to build a Minuteman Missile around one of those fuses, methinks it would be plastic, and not cause a lot of damage if it hit us. Much more dangerous would have been sending them to China, because then a missile might have come back to bite us in the butt with toxins that would make our slow death from dog food and toothpaste and children's cough medicine totally superfluous.

Don't quote me on any of this. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom learns her world news from three or four lines of Google News stories. She can't be bothered to actually click on them and read the articles. Dial-up, you know. The Hillbilly Curse. But later, I'm going to watch some CNN and MSNBC. In between bashing Hillary Clinton and telling me how I should vote and poking their media noses into politicians' bedrooms, they might carry a sensational story such as this.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom. Misinforming the world one blog post at a time. And buying stock in a handbasket factory as you read this.

4 comments:

Mary said...

Oh Mrs. Hillbilly Mom (aka LeBinda),
How honored am I to have had the extreme privilege of being mentioned in your very informative, yet once again, comical blog? Immensely!
Oh the memories you stirred up as I reminisced about those "gala" affairs we threw at ye ol' apartment...those were the days, my friend, we thought they'd never end!
Your "Sunflower" friend, Bean

Hillbilly Mom said...

Beanlinda,
I knew you were still lurking out there in the flatland state. I had desperately hoped that you had not met your demise with some unsavory character.

It seems like only yesterday that we were hiding the dirty dishes in the oven and the unworking dishwasher to prepare for our parties, and buying ONE BAG of pretzels for the snacks, and one of us was selling plasma for spending money, and the other two were making a run to buy a round of Frosty Malts.

My advice to you is: avoid flannel shirts, check yourself in the mirror a least once a day, lest you develop a terminal case of KDs, or and even more sinister case of Doll Hair, honk and wave the other way every chance you get, and don't let The Man get you down.

Mary said...

No, I definitely have NOT met my demise. On the contrary....I am very much alive and kicking. In fact, don't know if I told you or not, but I am engaged and will be married on Furky Turkey's birthday (aka June 28) in the state where Flossie May was born (aka South Carolina). So, needless to say, I have not worn any flannel shirts as of late and my KD's have been kept to a bare minimum. However, I have had a few more "doll hairs" over the years.
And speaking of Doll Hair, I received the latest edition of the Missouri State Magazine (aka The Southwest Missourian) and what did my wandering eyes see but an article about our favorite PEM Club sponsor herself. She received an achievement award of some sort and it had her picture and everything. I would be glad to send you a copy if you didn't receive one yourself....just let me know.
Guess I've dropped enough bomb shells for one email. But, I am very happy and looking forward to marrying "your brother". If that doesn't make sense to you (aka me explaining who my fiance was to my roommate) (aka my "friend"), then I will have to explain that to you in another blog reply.
Beep Beep.....waving the other way at you!
Gotta run for now...have to go and get my sancho from Taco Tico and a Frosty Malt from Get'N Go...later, gaaaaator! ;)
The Bean

Hillbilly Mom said...

LeBeanda,
Stop yer kickin'. I get that mag, and have not read it, but it is on my kitchen counter for when I feel the urge. I'll get right on that.

Be good to my long-lost 'brother', and fill me in on those crazies from a short time ago.

Sweet Gummi Mary! How could I forget the SANCHO? I must not have been in my right mind. Much like those 'Lighthouses' we consumed before the 'formal' basketball games. Or those toothpicks from the corner Smitty's.

As always, we'll have to move this reminiscing to another forum.