Monday, February 11, 2008

Happy Birthday To ME

Excuse me while I sing a few choruses of Happy Birthday To Me.

There. All done. And what a lovely gift I've received: a day off from school. Which is good, because we didn't get home from the Kathy Griffin excursion until 11:15 p.m. Then I couldn't get to sleep until 2:00 a.m., and it was only with the help of sweet, sweet Histinex. My alarm went off at 4:00, so I could shower before HH and get the lunches made. Then I reclined for my one-hour nap. At 6:00, I called my mom to see if the kids were OK, because we couldn't exactly leave them home alone while we went to see Kathy Griffin. While on the phone with her, my phone tree call came in. The forecast was for freezing rain, so all the local schools canceled instead of trying to squeeze in a day. I still had to go pick up my children before my mom was stranded with them. While I was whipping up some breakfast, Mabel called to wish me Happy Birthday. And while I was on the phone with her, my Lower Basementia Buddy called to see why school was canceled. She lives farther north, where the forecast was slightly different.

After fetching the boys, and being rejected by the ATM, I came home and called Mabel again to shoot the breeze. Then I pretty much frittered away the day watching CNN and making lunch and taking an hour nap. We're thinking school will be out again tomorrow, but I haven't gotten a call yet. Just in case, I disconnected my internet lifeline.

Kathy Griffin was quite amusing for two hours. My niece had a wonderful time, but her boyfriend was sitting next to two gay couples, and was annoyed by their laughter. What can I say? He's only a high school senior. He said, "I don't have anything against them, except that their voices are really high, but when they laugh, they go all deep and loud. I wish they could just laugh normally." Who knew? There's a gay laugh.

Let's see...what did Kathy tell us? She thinks she might open a theater in Branson, between Yakov Smirnov and The Osmond Brothers, and call it 'Kathy Griffin's Jesus Can Suck It Follies Theater'. She decided on it when she asked if anybody in the crowd had been to Branson. When over half of us applauded, she said, "What are you doing at MY show?" It was a sell-out crowd.

Other topics for the evening included:

Oprah...she has a handsome boyfriend named 'Gayle', whom she beats/needs to stop giving away $60 cupcakes, cable-ready refrigerators, and woolen Ugg boots to people in Macon, Georgia/went to somewhere in Mississippi, the fattest town in the U.S., and people were so excited that they didn't mind being on TV for being fat.

Britney...she is clearly mentally ill like one of Kathy's old boyfriends whom she visited in the nuthatch, who taught Kathy that crazy people feel more secure in their own filth, which is why he coated himself with his own feces (though Kathy didn't hug him that day).

Kathy's new boyfriend...Steve Wosniak of Apple computer fame, who talks like a robot/got speeding tickets in his Prius to prove that it can go over 35 mph/gave Kathy a gum-machine ring in a giant Tiffany's box (she was not amused)/bought a suit from the Men's Wearhouse to go to an award show/dares to HELP people with his money.

Mama Griffin...keeps an empty fine wine bottle that she fills from her box of wine when guests drop in/stole all the bottles of condiments from a resort restaurant by putting them in her Target bag (not a purse from Target, but the plastic bag with the red circles on it that she carries as a purse)/told the waiter "You got a lotta crust!" because a chicken sandwich cost $8.95 (a sum with which she could have fed her children for a year).

The Cracker Barrel...told Kathy she could not film her show there because she was too 'gay-friendly', so they went to the Waffle House instead.

Marie wicked and beats Donnie/in a most cringeworthy moment on the 100 Osmonds show, gave Oprah a black doll with cornrows and gingham, holding a black baby who the Mormons no doubt thought was a b*st*rd of the plantation owner/faked her faint on Dancing With the Stars, because everybody knows that when you actually faint, you don't fall down so prettily, but flop down and show your p*ssy, even if your are wearing jeans, and when you revive, you don't act all composed, but wander around asking strange men "Are you my mommy?" and "Did I show my p*ssy?"

Reality TV...when Kathy heard there was a dance contest show featuring a woman with one leg, she became an instant fan/The Bad Girls Club, where Britney really belongs, because it is full of Wiggas who boob-butt each other without spilling their drinks, and shout things like "You better pop off, son!" which is way better than The Amazing Race, where all the contestant have to do is set up a lemonade stand in a train in Mumbai, India.

The cameras were there, filming for Kathy's show, which was a bit annoying, what with the bright light grilling you while you were trying to see the stage. The row in front of us remainded empty for quite a while. My niece said, "I bet they're holding it for a church group." She's a regular Kathy Griffin, that little gal.

And that's all I have to report on my birthday evening. I need to go not open presents HH and the boys didn't get me.

Oops! I stand corrected. They got me two boxes of Sno*Caps and a $2 change purse.

Happy Birthday to me.


Christine said...

I am, at present, picking out my Valentines gift my hubby is going to get me. I told him I would let him know what he is getting me from Heirloom Roses. Picked roses are nice, but for the money I would much rather have a whole bush.

Redneck Diva said...

Okay, so before you turn me in to the committee that votes on Worst Internet Friend of the Year, I need to explai the fact that my birthday wishes to you are a whole day late! See, we had thunder ice yesterday (yes, thunder ice) and at 3:30 in the morning I was frantically running through my dark house to unplug the computers and the Wii before we ended up turning in a claim on our homeowners insurance for the ungodly amounts of electronics we own and weren't responsible enough to take care of. And the thunder ice continued on throughout the day and I didn't plug them in and then when it finally quit thunder icing, I was watching Deal or No Deal and discussing with my husband why Howie needs to experience Redneck Diva on his show.

So....I really did know it was your birthday (because it's my dad's birthday, too, and while he's related to me, you, a total stranger, are more familiar to me, but I'm not bitter or anything) and I had every intention of wishing you happies I was foiled by thunder ice and Howie Mandell.

And I find it completely awesome that they shut down school in honor of your birthday, much like they closed all state offices for mine! WHOOHOO!!

DPA said...

Happy birthday!

Those Kathy Griffin stories made me laugh. I probably would've pissed myself if I'd been there.

Hillbilly Mom said...

That's the ticket. Next year, I'll buy my own present from him. HH got me a rose bush one year. It was beautiful, with two kinds of roses on it somehow. Then it took a beating during that December ice storm of 2006, and has not been the same.

It's the thought that counts. Unless you're HH.

Thanks for the birthday wishes. And thank the Gummi Mary that you were NOT at Kathy Griffin, sitting in the seat behind me, what with the threat of an embarrassing urinary incontinence faux pas casting a pall on the entire evening.