Thursday, November 1, 2007

Water-Hogs At The Trough

Random Thought Thursday is on hiatus this week, in order to bring you Water-Hogs At The Trough, a timely tale of the Haves and Have-Nots.

If the drinking fountains have been wrapped in black trash bags since Monday because the school is under a 'boil water' order, wouldn't you think the kids would quit drinking from the fountains? My flock of singing canaries told me they saw two boys unwrap the trash bags, take a drink, and put them back.

When the school provides bottled water due to a boil order, set out on a table in the hall, that means take a bottle to drink from throughout the day. Right? Don't ya think? Not pick one up every 50 minutes between classes. Or have 7 of them by lunchtime. Right? This is why we can't have nice things. Or more specifically: This is why we can't keep ourselves from dehydrating. The bad apples keep spoiling the whole bunch. This must be what it is like after FEMA moves in with FREE items after a disaster. Because hey, it's FREE! I'd better get me some of that in case I can sell it or trade it or just because it's FREE, by cracky! And better yet, I need to make sure I get more than anybody else, because I know some people won't want theirs anyway, and of course I am more deserving than anybody else, so I need to rent me one of those U-Haul trailers so I can carry it all, and rent me a storage shed to store it.


The Amazingly True Adventure Of One Boy And His Water Bottle.
(You're welcome. I cranked out this screenplay even though I went on strike last night.)

The curtain rises. Jeb sits at his desk, working studiously to expand a binomial, a nearly empty water bottle beside his pencil tray. He finishes, lays down his pencil, and puts the water bottle in the pocket of his enormous pants.

Jeb: Mrs. Hillbilly Mom? May I use the restroom?
Mrs. HM: Yes. Take the pass.

A few moments later, Jeb returns. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom continues to assist a student with a thirst for knowledge. She hates to see a student yearn. Jeb sits down and pulls a water bottle from his pants. He sets it on his desk. It is full of water, and missing the label. Jeb's friend Bo begs for a drink.

Bo: C'mon. Just a sip? I haven't had any water all day. There's never any bottles when I go by.
Jeb: Here.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom catches them in the act. Jeb pulls the bottle away from Bo's grasping hands.

Mrs. HM: Hey! Why did you go get water when I let you go to the bathroom?
Jeb: You don't know that's a new bottle. Look. It's been opened.
Mrs. HM: Then why is it full? The one you came in with was nearly empty.
Jeb: Who says I didn't refill it?
Mrs. HM: Well, I don't know where. We're under a boil water order. Why do you think we have bottled water? Because you can't drink the water!
Jeb: There's nothing wrong with the sink water. Just the drinking fountain water.
Bo: Thanks, man.

Bo has taken the bottle off Jeb's desk during the inquisition. Bo burps, and hands the now empty water bottle back to Jeb. The rest of the students stare, bug-eyed, at Bo and Jeb.

Bruiser: What are you, an idiot? You filled it up with bad water!
Lilly: And Bo just drank it!
Bo: What?
Bruiser: You just drank that bad water out of the sink. Been nice knowin' ya.
Mrs. HM: What were you thinking?

Bo glares at Jeb. Jeb shrugs.

Jeb: I didn't drink it.

The curtain closes as Mrs. Hillbilly Mom bangs her head slowly, repetitively, on a desk.


Ain't I a great playwright? That's how I keep the union from suing me for writing screenplays. I pretend it's a play. There's a difference, right? This is my first one.

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