Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Cold, Heartless Hillbilly Mom

Is there a full moon again? There must be. I swear. Here's just a couple of goodies from my day. The first one falls into the category "You Don't Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry". The second, "You Don't Know Whether To Roll Your Eyes, Or Pull Your Hair Out".

A.M. A girl looked at a folder with a picture of a bulldog, eliciting the following conversation amongst her friends.

That bulldog has more chins than a Chinese phone book. Did you hear me? He has more chins than a Chinese phone book. Get it?

What does that mean?

Get it? Because they call Chinese people 'chins'.

Who does?

Why would they call them 'chins'?

I don't know, but they do.

What's that got to do with a phone book?

Oh, never mind. If you can't understand that, you'll never get it.

I thought of explaining the concept of 'Chen' in a phone book, but decided against it. Too much energy. It would be like a starving man climbing down a 200-foot cliff to get a single grain of rice off a ledge. Not that I'm being racist about the rice or anything.

P.M. A kid demanded to know HOW HE COULD POSSIBLE HAVE AN F in my class. A big kid. Not a scrawny Waldo freshman. An upperclassman. As in crowding into my personal space, looking down, demanding. So I did what any master teacher would do, and turned my back on him to bring up the computer screen showing that out of 12 assignments, he has turned in 6. And I haven't seen him since November 1, and today is, well, TODAY. November 13. To be fair, Friday Nov. 2 was an assembly, and then there was the weekend, and I was gone on Monday the 5th when the sub left a note that he was one of the boys who refused to do a 20-point assignment, and then he was absent Tuesday Nov. 6, and we had an early out Wednesday Nov. 7, and he was called out before my class on Thursday Nov. 8, and was absent Friday the 9th and Monday the 12th. So don't let me be accused of saying he's never at school. Even though several other students tuned in to my brain waves and said, "Dude! You're never here!" But he looked at ME accusingly, and sneered, "Well, it's not MY fault that my dad had a heart attack."

Touche', Sherlock. Grab one of those broken cell phones from that mysterious myriad of electronics that Fast Eddie is always trying to pawn off in class, and dial Scotland Yard. The jig is up. You're onto my modus operandi. You see, I had the most scathingly brilliant idea! First, even though I don't know you, I created a voodoo doll that was an exact model of your father. Then I set my spy network to task and found out where you live. While you slept, I crept into the house and took a toenail clipping off your dad. His big toe. Then it was easy to cast my spell on that corncob replica. I took a sharp plastic toothpick, the white kind with the bent end, and jabbed it into the chest area of Corny. Apparently, I was not vigorous enough when I gave him that heart attack three weeks ago. But since I am Mrs. Hillbilly Mom, overachiever, I vowed to try, try again. So I did. My next step was to sever all phone lines at the school so nobody could call in and have your work gathered so you could pick it up and complete it so you wouldn't fall behind. And I set up a barbed wire perimeter so you couldn't just walk in and ask for your work. With my master plan complete, I dared to enter 'M' for missing on your line for those 6 assignments. Excuse me while I consult OJ Simpson about a lawyer.

OK. I didn't really say this out loud. It just flashed through my mind. In actuality, I just ignored the 'fault' comment, and went back to my desk. Dude started digging through his book, and yanked out a paper as pristine as the day I gave it to him. "Is this one of them? October 31?" Fast Eddie grabbed it. "Dude. That's the one you just sat there and didn't do that day." Dude turned to me. "Well, I didn't know when it was due." Fast Eddie came to my rescue again, though usually we are on the outs. "Dude, every assignment is turned in the day we get it. If you do it. It's been that way all year." Dude shook his head slowly, like we were all simple. "It was Halloween. I didn't feel like working."

There's gotta be a full moon. There's no other logical explanation.

Disclaimer. I am not being heartless about the heart attacks. I believe it. Both of them. But we're talking a way lot of absences here, even besides those two episodes. Who else is responsible if not the student?


DPA said...

I have a Fast Eddie. His name is Dontrez. We're on the outs until he has the chance to suck up to me and make someone else look stupid at the same time.

So you too spend your spare moments plotting ways to make them fail? I hear I lose assignments on a regular basis, and take points off because I felt like it, and never give kids the chance to get a book for Reading Fair even though I've taken them to the school library twice, have a huge library in my room, and stayed at the public library to help them on my personal time.

I hate it when I get looked at accusingly because some kid can't do the math. I mean the English. You know what I mean.

60 + 60 + 40 + 0 / 4 = F

Hillbilly Mom said...

My Fast Eddie has that 'Deliverance' look about him. He at least makes an effort, in between complaining about paying half of his girlfriend's birth control bill.

On the pH scale of annoyingness in that class, with annoyingness being on the 'acid' end at 0, and sainthood being on the 'base' end at 14, I'd say he's about an 8.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom. Always ready to throw a little science into everyone's day.