Monday, November 26, 2007

Pimping The Light Fantastic

My #1 son has a fundraiser. Not for a club. For the school. I heartily disagree with pimping out kids to raise funds for the school. If you can't afford it, don't buy it. Stop all this namby-pamby here have some free pizza and soda for coming to the afterschool tutoring that we placed you in to try and raise our building's scores. Here's a reward for helping out with this service project. Great job for having good attendance, let's go to a movie, the bowling alley, the state park, the mall.

Whatever happened to intrinsic rewards, people? Life is not going to give these kids rewards for doing what they are supposed to do. I think it is Chris Rock who does the routine about a buddy saying, "I ain't never been arrested. I go to work everyday. I pay child support for my kids." You're supposed to, m*****f****r! Why should you be proud of that? Yeah. I'm sure it's Chris Rock.

My kids have been fundraising since kindergarten. How fair is that, pimping out a 5-year-old? There oughta be a law. What if I sent a gang of toddlers door-to-door selling magazine subscriptions? I'd be arrested for the pimping of the toddlers. But the school is exempt from pimping charges. Oh, the booklets always say 'Don't go door to door.' Where are these sales coming from? Mom and Dad and Grandma and Grandpa. Why don't you charge tuition and be done with it? Why don't you just ask for donations? Don't send out a cute little moppet who is impossible to refuse.

My Little Pony doesn't give a hoot about selling. He always says, "Naw. I don't wanna sell anything." Bless his little pea-pickin' heart. But the older boy is a people pleaser. He is gung-ho. He's a competitor. He not only wants to sell, but he wants the limo ride to McDonalds. In fact, he's won it twice. Now he wants a limo ride again. The price? Sell 20 items.

Therein lies the tale. 20 items of this ridiculously overpriced, unsellable junk is preposterous. I have never seen a catalog with more useless items. The boy worked the Thanksgiving crowd to drum up sales. In fact, he even sold a money clip to his cousin's boyfriend. I had promised him 10 items, but no more. I chose 2 cook books, and 8 polishing clothes. Not because I am unpolished, but because they were the cheapest thing in the book. None of this rigamarole of choosing items that I might use. I won't. But they're the cheapest. I don't need 12 oz. of candy for $10.50. I don't need a whisk for $9.00. I don't need ugly jewelry for $24.00. So I'm going to make myself a blankie out of polishing cloths. I think it will be soft and comforting when I cry into it the next time the fundraiser rolls around.

Here was my advice to the #1 son: Gather your cronies in the hall. Step up on your cram-packed backpack, raise your fist in the air, and shout, "I'm mad as h*ll and I'm not going to take it anymore! I refuse to be pimped by the school. I will not sell ONE item. Together, we can make a stand. Sell nothing. Everybody pitch in $2, and on the day of the limo ride, we will skip school and hire our own limo to take us to lunch. Everybody wins, and our parents are only out $2. Who's with me?" With that, he lifts up an 80s style jam box, cranking a little Twisted Sister: 'We're not gonna take it. No, we ain't gonna take it. Oh, we're not gonna take it, anymore!'

OK, perhaps the 'h*ll' was a bit strong. But you get my drift.

Let's get back to basics. Stop dilly-dallying around with our childen's education. I'm an old dog, like Betty. New tricks are superfluous.


Melani said...

Oh....the fundraisers! If I have to sell one more vat of cookie dough I may well lose my mind. We don't know that many people and have already conned every person into buying the nasty stuff.

Maybe if they changed the overpriced items each year it wouldn't be so annoying but my kids' school have sold the EXACT SAME catalog for the last 6 years!

I finally told the kids that I would buy them the prize for selling 5 items and be done with it. I would much rather just give a donation to the school.

Hillbilly Mom said...

See, that's the thing. We would rather give a donation. The school would actually get more money instead of a cut, and the parents would be out less money. But the school personnel act all discombobulated. "Well, I GUESS you can give a donation." Then they don't even count it as an item sold, even though a $10 donation is worth about 3 items.