Saturday, August 4, 2007

The UnParty

It is getting harder and harder to drag myself to the ol' blog these days. My creativity is not flowing. I am not an entertainer. If my blog was a party, y'all would be served some tasty store-brand pretzel sticks and ruffled chips, and perhaps some dip made from sour cream and Hidden Valley Ranch powder, with some baby carrots. Oh, and to wash it down, some Tubz Root Beer, Mountain Holler, and Dr. Thunder. Yep. Save-A-Lot brand soda. The alcoholics would have to bring their own beverages.

My party would have no entertainment. We would sit around a campfire in front of the barn, because the trail down to the MiniMansion by the creek is treacherous in the dark, and the Scout can only haul the driver and two people. If people demanded to be enterained (like with burning torches and tar and feathers), HH could light the field on fire, and we could watch the cats eat the mice running out of the burning meadow. Ahh...good times.

If I was really feeling in a giving mood, I would make gift bags for all guests. These would be brown paper lunch sacks containing the end rolls of toilet paper (in case nature called while sitting around that campfire), an empty Zip Loc bag to save any ticks that you may wrench from your tender flesh, leftover parade candy from last Labor Day that has been stored on the top of my refrigerator, and a Christmas Tree Little Debbie Brownie (because I overestimated my youngest son's love for them when I made my seasonal grocery purchases). Who knows, it might even attact Kathy Griffin. I hear she's all about the gift bag.

The music will be random selections from my Crashy's Media Player. You may get a variety of Tom Petty, Ozark Mountain Daredevils, Sheryl Crow, George Jones, Dolly Parton, Fleetwood Mac, Lucinda Williams, Bellamy Brothers, Randy Travis, Three Dog Night, REO Speedwagon, Bob Seger, Credence Clearwater Revival, Dan Fogelberg, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Porter Wagoner, Conway Twitty, Simon and Garfunkel, Vern Gosdin, Bread, Cat Stevens, The Eagles, Emmylou Harris, Sawyer Brown, John Denver, Bad Company, Liz Phair, Gordon Lightfoot, Lacy J. Dalton, Gretchen Wilson, Sugarland, The Hooters, Supertramp, and of course, Lynyrd Skynyrd. I won't even start with the soundtracks. Ohh...the soundtracks!

OK. Now you know what to expect. A boring, perhaps traumatizing, evening at the Mansion, with crappy food and drink, music more than 10 years old, and a lifetime of nightmares.

Enjoy! That's how I roll.


Stewed Hamm said...

Well no wonder your party's lame... you won't let anyone use the free hairwad hot tub, or take a dip in the poolio. Not to mention introductions to the upstairs ghosts, 4-wheeler rides, or a rousing game of count the dead cars.
Seriously, HM, you need to hire a social director or something. I hear that Julie chick from the Love Boat is free.

Hillbilly Mom said...

By cracky, that's THE MOST SCATHINGLY BRILLIANT IDEA I've heard in a coon's age! Are you applying for the position, or shall I pull in my Hillmombian Minister of Free Cheese and dump some extra duties on her? She's a giver, you know.

MrsCoach2U said...

I don't see anything wrong with the party plan....except your gonna need some cheese dip, lucky for you I can bring the cheese! I think Stew volunteered for the Julie Job, he had such scathingly brillant ideas!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Mmmm...cheese dip. As long as you're giving, hows about some Rotel Dip. I loves me some Rotel.

That Stew is a regular diamond-in-the-rough. You know, the kind I didn't find at Crater of Diamonds State Park.