Tuesday, August 7, 2007

A Lackluster Return

When you return to school, even unofficially, to get things ready for the new year, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom knows to expect the unexpected. And that nothing will go as planned. And that people piss her off.

This much Hillbilly Mom knows for sure:

*If you drive your kids through McDonalds, the window waitress will leave out a hash brown.

*If you offer to let your son out by the front door of the school so he can go to the back door and open it in case it's locked, he will refuse, and have to run a 1/4 mile around the building while you wait on the 100 degree blacktop parking lot.

*Your desks will be arranged not as you left them, but in a way that the custodian would set up his class if he was the teacher.

*One of your two free cushy blue chairs on wheels will be gone.

*The chair that is left will be the crappier of the two that you used to have.

*If you switch out the chair with another teacher who has six of them for student use, and then find your own true chair with the back raised just so in another room, and wait until the coast is clear to switch with that one...the principal and custodian will walk out of a room right next to it when you are in the act.

*Your one true chair will be in the room of the only teacher who has a beef with you.

*Your son will make private arrangements with his grandma and not tell you, necessitating an extra 20 minutes of time off your life on the way to the other son's dentist appointment.

*The dentist's office will be hosting a trio of old ladies from The Home. (More on that one tomorrow.)

*Office Max will have pronged pocket folders advertised for 25 cents, but will only have the prongless ones in the store.

*They will, however, have deluxe pronged pocket folders for 89 cents apiece.

*You will wait in line for 10 minutes, and a girl will waltz right in front of you and ask for a refund, and you can't step up to say you were there first because a store manager is blocking your way while he talks to two old fogies about a hypothetical computer.

*Your son will buy a computer game for $9.99, which will play for 40 minutes before crashing Gamey.

*If you spend $73 at Office Max, the clerk will "forget" to give you your 15% discount off the paper sack thingy.

*If you go back through the line, the clerk will have to call for help, and together the two guys will tell you to scan your debit card again, and swear that they have just credited your debit. Even though when it happened other times (Note To Self: stop shopping at Office Max), the clerk gave a cash refund for the discount.

*After your son falls asleep for three hours with a headache, you will have to console the other son with a broken computer, and you will accidentally catch your HH in his basement workshop rifling through Easter baskets for leftover jelly beans.

*Which most people would see as the end of life as we know it, and figure it's time to line up the handbaskets and call it a day...but you stay up to watch Big Brother After Dark from 11:00 to 2:00, and fall asleep in the recliner around 11:45.


And that's the way the school year starts. It'll be over before you know it.

6 comments:

Redneck Diva said...

Gee, and I thought my back-to-school drama was rough what with me forgetting to turn in my FinAid stuff and am now wondering if I will have to pay for my $400 worth of books myself, trying to work out a schedule with both of my jobs AND my husband's so that the children don't end up home alone and someone makes a referral to my office because of alleged child abuse AND the fact that my oldest daughter has no decent shorts to wear to school because her legs are so long and shorts are so dang short.

Can I come over and fall asleep in your recliner? It sounds quiet there and HH seems to get lots of rest there. I'd use my own but there seems to be a husband in it already.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Diva,
Here's the trick: we have two recliners. HH's is upstairs. Mine is in the basement. But I have the big screen TV with mine.

Stewed Hamm said...

Now we know, and knowing is half the battle. (as GI Joe taught us so well)

Hillbilly Mom said...

stewthisisanewonetome,
I never had a GI Joe, so I was unaware of this bit of classified info. But the Boy Scouts let it leak that we should BE PREPARED, so I am just putting this info out in case any of you want to make some Notes To Self.

MrsCoach2U said...

I mentioned to Mr.Coach the other day that school was almost over. He called me a civilian! I called him an a$$......wanna know how the rest of the day went?

Hillbilly Mom said...

Mrs.,
I think I'd better not take sides in this one. I must support the Sistahs, but I also must not turn my back on a fellow classroom survivor.