Tuesday, April 1, 2008

It Ain't Nice To Fool HM

Mrs. HM has had a very bad day. It kind of started yesterday, with a headache that defied aspirin and ibuprofen (don't even try to push that acetaminophen on me, it is like taking a spoonful of sugar, only not so satisfying). Along with the throbbin' noggin was a queasy stomach and a touch of the diarrhea. Yeah. Too much info. Then the remote control for the satellite dish mysteriously malfunctioned right after the #1 son watched The Simpsons on the big screen.

Today dawned its Aprilly goodness, and Mrs. HM felt human again. The overnight storm had hoisted the creeks out of their banks, but sucked them back in again for morning rush. I know, because all the sticks and stones were left piled at the high-water mark when the flood receded. Then the day began to slide downhill. A van saw us cross the last creeky bridge, and pulled off and turned around to tailgate us to the county road. And what should we find there but a big yellow school bus pulled off the road and blocking our entrance. Oh. It was waiting for the urchins in the van behind us. That woman must have telepathy.

Upon arrival at school, I ran some copies without putting in paper or jamming the copier. I was thinking that a Stevening was in order. Then a girly from my science and math classes asked for help. I am not known for helping in the mornings. I am not on career ladder, because I value my time more than money. There are several teachers throughout the building who tutor EVERY morning. Including two Mathies. Ya hear me, Mabel? But this child wanted the original Hillbilly Mom, and who was I to refuse? I discussed rounding with her, and put numerous examples on the board. That took up about 10 minutes of my valuable 30 minutes between arrival and the bell. That's 33%. Just sayin'. Because I'm a partial Mathie.

Round about the stroke of lunchtime, I was intercommed that a call was awaiting me on Line One. Which is really Line Two. I think we've covered this lesson before. It was Elementia, reporting that My Little Pony had just vomited into the classroom wastebasket. Good to know. Whadda ya want ME to do about it? The nurse said he didn't have a fever. I asked if he could stay. She said she would rather he went. So On-Call Grandma came to the rescue.

After school, the #1 son reported that his gym clothes had been stolen out of his gym locker, which was locked with the school-issued combo lock. Another kid had his clothes soaked in the shower. The teacher did not seem too intent on calling the Mystery Machine to get to the bottom of the issue. So I spent nigh on $30 for new gym clothes and a LOCK that is not allowed, but I'm going to email the main man and explain that my boy followed policy, and if he has a problem with a personal lock, he can CALL ME and I will be glad to discuss this breach in security with him. I'm not having my son's phone and wallet stolen while he's participating in gym class, just because someone can open those locks at will.

After school, we drove 20 miles to find a new remote for the satellite receiver. The first of the three addresses the boy found online was non-existent. The second looked like a guy selling hot TVs out of his garage. He had a refurbished one for $10, but I was not sure I wanted to take a chance on it. After waiting 20 minutes, the guy said that he has them back-ordered, and the fastest way to get one would be to call Dish Network. We didn't look for the third address, what with the smashing success we garnered from the other two. The boy said to try Radio Shack, which seemed dubious to me, since the guy never mentioned them, and they are usually overpriced. Oh, we found one. To the tune of $39.95. And when I whipped out my credit card, the guy asked to see my driver's license, which REALLY pissed me off, so I paid cash.

Then the Devil's handmaiden packed my groceries in an asinine way, what with half-gallon of milk, bunch of bananas, and tender mini-tomatoes on the vine all in one flimsy plastic bag. A pox on her in her next life, teaching fraction division to DoNots.

I kept hoping this crap was a big April Fool's joke. But no.


DPA said...

At least #1 didn't puke ON you. Any word on what caused him to toss his cookies? Y'all must've had the same awful gumbo for lunch that we had. That would do it.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Not that I'm nit-picking, but it was The Pony who tossed. The #1 son was merely a victim of theft.

I think it must have been the same bug I had that gave me the day-long headache and nausea. I just have a higher phobia of vomiting in a classroom wastebasket, so I held it in.

Becky68 said...

Hello, long time lurker, first time commenter, you are hilarious btw.
I work for Dish Net & I'm sorry to tell you that if your remote was out of warranty & you had called us we would have sold you one for $19.95 & $5.95 shipping, if your equipment is leased, it would've been just the shipping cost! Of course, either way, you wouldn't have it yet.
It would arrive tomorrow.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Thanks for lurking.

It's good to hear from an insider. Of course, I needed my remote NOW, and couldn't wait. I would rather have bought the $9.95 'refurbished' one from a scammer than wait to get one shipped.

I don't know if our equipment is leased. I'm thinking it is boughten, so to speak, because we ordered two more receivers after we had the first one for a year or two. Anyway, we paid money for them and everything, and DISH sent us REFURBISHED ones. That was not to my liking, especially when one of them conked out daily and my kid genius had to get on the phone and get walked through how to fix it. Something was funky about its smart card or some thingy that sticks in a little slot in the front. Finally, DISH said to send it back, and they would send us another one. You guessed it. It was another REFURBISHED one, and it had the same problem. Third time was a charm, but I do not like waiting on the Unqualified People Shipping company.