Tuesday, April 8, 2008

nO, Canada!

At the very end of yesterday's post, I stated that Hillmomba is the new Canada. Perhaps I misspoke. You won't hold that against me, I hope. I'm still perfectly qualified to write a blog making fun of my family and maybe or maybe not my workplace. I did not really mean to imply that my little nation of Hillmomba is ready to assume the role of other nations' BFF. I merely meant that, what with HH taking the high road up the hill spy on The Shootist, and subsequently being lured into his double-wide for tea and crumpets, or the Hillmomban equivalent of Budweiser and deer jerky, that this new truce meant the white dove of peace and the bluebird of happiness would be breaking bread at the round table of the world, with dogs and cats living together in harmony, and a pony in every BARn.

But The Unrepentant Gallivanter called me on it. She posed a question fraught with issues that Mrs. Hillbilly Mom had not pondered. It seems HM's fingers have been typing checks her a$$ can't cash. Who knew? Here was the question:

So, are you going to start spelling everything with superfluous and pretentious U's? Are you going to make your kids play football with only 3 downs on some weird sized square field? Are you going to have some crazy bilingual law where everything has to be in 2 languages, except in Quebec where English signs are illegal?

Umm...welllll...er...I seem to be having a problem with speaking off-the-cuff without my plagiarizing speech writers to guide me. I am usually so eloquent, I know. But now I have to do some thinking for myself. I can not copy the ideas of others. At the end of the day, bringing all my experience to the table, I am certain I can give the answer you are all seeking. Yes. I can.

Let me get right to the specifics of UnGal's question. You don't mind, do you? If I give you some meat-and-potatoes answers for a change, stop my flowery rhetoric, and get down to specifics?

I don't mind extra 'U's. And I'm all about pretentiousness. At this time, I have no plans to make my kids play football with only 3 downs on some weird-sized square field. That would be downright un-American. And I don't ever want to be accused of being un-American. I LOVE America. God Bless America. I even have a CD with that song on it, by cracky. I think it's over there by my American flag lapel pin that I wear every day. I don't plan on passing a bilingual law. Here in Hillmomba, some of us think bilingual is some perverted sort of behind-closed-doors kind of fetish thingy. And you don't want any rumors going around work in the not-personal emails that say, "I heard she is secretly bilingual, but you didn't hear that from me." And if being Canadian means we can't have signs written in English, then I'm not sure I want to declare that Hillmomba is the new Canada. What kind of nation would we be? People running their 4WD pick-up trucks off the road because they can't read the foreign-language signs, missing their turn-offs to the casinos, unable to find their way to the Hillbilly Mecca, Branson, Missouri? No. We can't have that! It's bad enough when they try to read signs that ARE in English.

All I was thinking when I declared that we are the new Canada is how much I like to say, "Eh?" and "Don't cha know?" and watch Ice Road Truckers. Perhaps I was a bit short-sighted.

So for now, Hillmomba will be friends with Canada, but won't try to steal Canada's identity like a slightly less-psycho version of Jennifer Jason Leigh.

That's what it's all aboot.


The Unrepentant Gallivanter said...

Ice Road Truckers ROCK! I wish I was an Ice Road Trucker. : )

Hillbilly Mom said...

My kids at home love it, and my kids at school love it. Who knew that watching a dark expanse of ice for 50 minutes could be so entrancing?