Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Drug Up By Hillbilly Mom

This just in...Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is still sick as a dog. I have been dosing on some cough medicine HH had left over from December, 2005. Do you think it will kill me? Quit getting your hopes up. It worked last night at 5:30, and again at 12:30 a.m. It's not my sweet, sweet Histinex. It's something called 'Cheratussen'. I don't know what's in it, but it says to take 2 teaspoons every 6 hours. That is one smart, time-keeping medicine! At the stroke of 6 hours, it wears off. And the way it wears off is that the wheezing and liquidy lungs return instantly, and you cough up about a barrel of snot from your lungs, about enough to choke a person who has not been exposed to stranger snot and built up a bit of tolerance.

Yep, for two doses, my new best friend Chera dried me out and stopped that harumpfing. Then I put off taking it, because, well, I was at school, and every good teacher knows that at school you are meant to suffer. So I lolled some mentholyptus cough drops around in my mouth, which made it a bit easier to catch a gasp of air in my lungs, but that gets kind of old after 10 or so of those not-so-good-tasting morsels. By 1:30, I was jonesin' for some Chera. I took about 3/4 of a dose, so as not to fall asleep and have a male appendage draw on my forehead in permanent marker by my 7th hour ruffians. That didn't work nearly so good as before, because while it DID stop the harumpfing and hacking, it turned on the faucet I used to call a nose. And my eyeballs floated around in a kind of eye snot juice, so I was dripping snot tears the whole drive home, what with the brightest sun of the year making its appearance around 4:00 p.m.

Once home, I fiddled and faddled in that aimless way I have of frittering away time, baking some pork steaks without the shaking stage, washing dishes, putting in a load of laundry, making myself converse with HH, who wanted me to ask the foreign exchange student if she brought her handshoes with her to the Land of Opportunity. By 5:30, I decided it was time to give Chera the boot, and hook up with my old pal Histinex. At least this prescription is from June 1 of this year. There's not much left, but I am going to chug Histinex while the sun shines. My last resort is some other HH reject from 2006 that clearly states on the label that it contains codeine. I am steering clear of it unless everything else runs out, because the last time I resorted to it, it put me to sleep. With a pain in my stomach. I figure if I keep dosing myself illegally with another person's prescription medicine, I will eventually either get over my snottiness, or die tryin'. Note To Self: Do not try this at home. I would never take anyone else's antibiotics or other prescriptions, but I have declared that cough medicine is fair game.

I could probably save myself all these decisions, decisions, decisions by buying a keg of Benadryl. I hear it's even good for broken arms.


Stewed Hamm said...

Cough medicine from 2005. Why on earth are you still saving that? It's not like the stuff is going to turn into ranch dressing or anything...

They still have WalMartses and Pharmacies in your state, yes? You can probably still buy cough syrup there... though you may have to show 87 forms of ID, and submit to a retinal scan.

Redneck Diva said...

I don't know how into homeopathic stuff you are, but Hillbilly Mom, I swear by Airborne. It's an herbal plop plop fizz fizz and you chug it (while holding your breath because frankly it doesn't taste that great) and it keeps the nasties away. It boosts your immune system. I started taking it before we went to Disney World last year and hmh, Paul is the one that came home sick and I didn't. He was attacked by the germs on the airplane and I had Immunity of Steel or something. Or maybe I was just lucky. But I'm just sayin', it can't hurt.

LanternLight said...

But what does HillBilly Mama prescribe for you?

Hillbilly Mom said...

Who would throw away perfectly good cough medicine? It's way better on a salad than that moldy old Ranch Dressing. According to my Hillbilly Mama's calculations, the cough medicine still has several good years left. But in actuality, when I mentioned to her that I was going to take it, she gasped, "Oh, honey!" Yeah. Like she never saves anything(ranch dressing)instead of throwing it out.

That's an idea. But with my luck, I'll probably have some kind of reaction to it. Like become airborne or have projectile vomiting.

She recommended some Peppermint Schnapps. But I declined. I'm not an imbibing woman. Hey, that would have made a much better TV show than Designing Women. "Imbibing Women". Has a nice ring to it, wouldn't you say?