Sunday, September 16, 2007

Ripped From The Headlines

Hell Freezes Over
The recent cold wave has been attributed to one Hillbilly Husband. Just last week, the HH scrubbed the bottom of the shower. With this being the first household task performed by the HH in approximately 5 years, a ripple effect was felt throughout the atmosphere. Meteorologists say the cold snap could last for as long as 5 days. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom offered her take on the matter. "If I had known that leaving Comet With Bleach on the shower floor all day would result in HH actually cleaning the shower, I would have done it years ago. I'm still not sure whether he actively scrubbed, or whether it was just the friction of his calloused man-hooves as he washed himself."

Great Clips Puts Hole In Boy's Head
A Hillbilly youngster returned home from a haircut today with a hole in his head. The hole was located on the back of his neck, right side. When asked to comment, the boy stated, "I knew something was wrong when she held the mirror behind my head. I saw that big bald spot, and when she asked if everything looked OK, I said, '...umm...' Then she said quickly, 'Oh, that's the way your hair grows back there.' When I went out front, I wanted to tell Dad, 'Look how she butchered me!' But I was afraid to." The boy was last heard muttering, "First hour...Jimmy. Second hour...Susie." His mother explained that he was calculating who sat behind him, and who would make fun of his disfigurement.

Woman Contracts Mystery Illness After Close Encounter

An area teacher came down with a mysterious ailment following a job-related incident last week. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom fell ill after coming in contact with a slimy substance under a schoolhouse desk. A student who witnessed the incident said, "It was kind of funny. She sat down, and next thing you know, she was screamin' and shaking her hand and gagging. Then she ran to the cabinet and squirted a bunch of GermX all over her hands. All I know is, it kept us from working for about 5 minutes." The victim is currently convalescing at home, with the help of, in her words, "...some sweet, sweet Histinex, and my husband's cough medicine prescription from 2005." Her husband added, "She ain't the first woman ever to catch a cold."

Elderly Widow Wins PowerBall
A septuagenarian residing at the outskirts of town hit Wednesday night's PowerBall number for a prize of $3. She did not realize her windfall initially, due to the local paper (not this one!) printing the Power Play number in place of the PowerBall number. Upon notification her good fortune, she told her daughter, the ticketholder, to check with Mabel, a local math teacher, to see what a 3-way cut of the winnings would bring. When the loot was divvied up after taxes, the pool participants agreed to put their -$0.47 apiece back into ticket purchases. Congrats to all.

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes
A local small fry was questioned about the whereabouts of his father last evening. The boy replied, "I think he went to the barn. To inflate something. Maybe his ego." The father would not be reached for comment.

Time Travel Possible?

A 12-year-old student at one of our local schools it planning this year's Science Fair project on a wrinkle in the Space-Time Continuum. Seems that his mother has observed that each successive school year flies by more quickly than the year before. Hopes are high that the youngster can parlay this project into a Nobel Prize winner, coming off his 1st place finish in last year's 'Physics-Middle School' category. Good luck to our Junior Einstein.


LanternLight said...

His mother explained that he was calculating who sat behind him, and who would make fun of his disfigurement.

So a swift conversion to Judaism, and the resulting Yarmulke, was not on the plate eh?

Mean Teacher said...

Man hooves. [snickering]

Hillbilly Mom said...

A Yarmulke would not go down low enough to cover this Great Clips faux pas. It is down on his neck, at the badly-trimmed hair line.

If only I could take credit for the Man Hooves. Alas, much like the Waist Boobs of yesteryear, the Man Hooves were stolen from those wittier than I. The Man Hooves came from Television Without Pity, in an ER recap several years ago. A recap in which 'Man Hooves' referred to the dainty feet of my beloved Abby Lockhart. How DARE they insinuate that my Abby had feet like an American Yehti. How DARE THEY!