Red Trims Down

I had to put my Old Red Gradebook on a crash diet after school today. She's been stuffing herself pretty regular. You might say she's a full-figured gal, the equivalent of...

a portly fellow

a wide load

big-boned

6XL

If she wore pants, she'd have a muffin top.

The Chinese would turn her away from their buffet.

She has buttered cholesterol.

She's the kind of gal who, if she went sledding down Art Hill and gathered so much speed that she shot into the lake, down jacket and all, a strong, heroic fireman would, upon grasping her wrist to pull her out, shout in agony, "Ohhh, F********CK!"

Yes. The final straw was when I set her beside the computer to record some grades, and the weight of her belly propelled her off the table and onto the floor. Which meant that Mrs. Hillbilly Mom had to (gasp) bend over to pick her up. Something's gotta give. And that's the Old Red Gradebook's innards.

I got to poking about, and discovered that Red was carrying 66 pages of extra weight. You know how it goes...a test here, a memo there, a handful of those pesky IEP meeting notices. The pages pile on before you know it. I willingly, for free, liposuctioned 18 of those pages directly into the trash can. The others were not so simple. You know how it is, always hardest to lose those last 48 pages. So I did the equivalent of 'dressing thin' for my beloved Red. I sorted through her pages and filed them in ring binders by subject and date. She feels so slim now when I hold her in my arms. I've promised her a makeover when the 2nd Quarter rolls around. Names written in ink, not that smeary pencil, and true alphabetization of the current rosters.

I don't want rumors to start that Red is anorexic. She still carries a healthy 6 pages behind her red cardboard cover. She hasn't wasted away yet.

My newly-svelte Old Red Gradebook virtually glows with pride. That, and she knows the school year is almost over. By cracky.