Monday, October 29, 2007

The Cheatingest Turkey

I'm tired, and it's only Monday. Tomorrow I go to see the senile dentist again. Perhaps he dips into the nitrous when he's unsupervised. I can't say that I blame him.

Mabel is campaigning to win the Turkey Teacher Award. The contest doesn't even start until Thursday, yet Mabel came a-stumpin' for votes in my class 1st Hour. By 'a-stumpin' for votes', I mean 'a-bribing kids with Dum Dums for donations'. Mabel believes the prize is a real live turkey. You know, a frozen bird that you can bake. Something's baked all right...and in my opinion it's Mabel. I don't for one instant believe that the club sponsoring this contest is going to give out a turkey. I think the prize is more likely a pie in the face, or a case of that 'Thanksgiving Meal Soda' stuff that has a bottle of pumpkin pie and all the trimmings. So I am not in the running. I secede. I bow to my worthy opponent, Mabel. She's turkeyer than I. May the best briber win.

At lunch, Ms S said it would be fun to see who is the biggest winner and the biggest loser. Methinks she has something to do with the contest. Perhaps she's sponsoring it. Anyhoo, when she said that, I rubbed the fake tears out of my eyes with my fists, and whimpered, "Oh, my tender self-esteem!" So then she acted sorry, like I really WOULD be the biggest loser, which made me really mock-sad, because the kids like me, darn it, and that hadn't even entered my mind. And Ms S said, "Hey, I should campaign to be the biggest loser!" In any event, the kids will come out the winners, what with all the bribing going on.

I'm sending My Little Pony a Boo-Gram for Halloween. His school is doing it as a fundraiser. For one slim dollar, you can send a little message, and a choice of animal crackers/popcorn/chips along with a 'Fall character hand-puppet'. Sweet Gummi Mary! What is THAT? You know Halloween is the holiday that dare not speak its name around these parts. So I can't imagine what kind of puppet that would be. A falling leaf, perhaps? A cidered apple? Not only is The Pony getting one Boo-Gram...he's getting four. His dad, grandma, and brother are sending him one as well. Brother sent the message: "Happy Halloween, Pony! From Brother." Yeah. He's creative like that. HH said: "Good times on Friday." I'm not sure what else they have planned after Cast-Off day. Perhaps a viewing of the Bee Movie. Grandma wanted to send the first three chapters of her unwritten novel, so I had to caution her that there was only a small box suitable for a few words. She couldn't think of anything except: "I love you SO much. Grandma." I think he'll be OK with that. And mine says: "Only two more days of cast. BOOOOO Hoo! Mom." I am voting myself most clever.

Because I am the vote-counter. And I declare myself the biggest winner.


Stewed Hamm said...

There ARE 29-odd churches in town, you know. It wouldn't do for teachers to go around advertising for flagrant deviltry such as Halloween.
And I'm still disappointed that you didn't go with the Barbaro nickname. If you can't screw up your kids by doing things that you read on the internet, then the terrorists have already won.

Hillbilly Mom said...

I know I have spoken of the 29 churches. But it was in the FIRST town where I had a teaching job. Around here, there must be 2900, since we have a bunch of little towns in close proximity.

Barbaro, schmarbaro. I call my kids 100 different things a day, but Barbaro ain't one of 'em. Cotton-headed ninny muggins is at the top of my list right now.