Saturday, July 14, 2007

One-Eyed Yack

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is not in a festive mood today. Shocking, huh? I have a sty on my eye. I hate it when that happens. If you've never had one, it's like a pimple up inside your eyelid. It is uncomfortable. You can not do anything to it. You certainly don't want to pick at it. You can't put antibiotic ointment and a Band-Aid on it. You can't paint on that liquid skin bandage stuff that Mabel is fond of. You can't shame it off your eyelid by shouting preposition-ending sentences at it. And you refuse to go to the doctor for it, what with it being a Saturday, when nobody is supposed to be sick, and the ER is kind of out of the question, because the staff would die laughing if you walked in with an eye sty, which would be a murder charge to deal with, and your two insurance companies would most likely frown upon the claim after setting it aside for 90 days and then deciding that, well, somebody's gonna be askin' about that bill sometime, and maybe we ought to send out a letter that the claim is being processed before we deny it in another 90 days.

About the only thing I've read that you can do for a sty is to put a warm, wet compress on it until it drains. Do you know what that means, people? THE PUS WILL LEAK OUT ONTO YOU EYEBALL!!! Though I DO admit to stooping to that treatment on a previous occasion, because of the excruciating pain every time I blinked. So I am stuck between a sty and a mushy place, with no real treatment until it goes away on its own.

OHHH! I just googled it, and look at all my new treatment options:

Application of prescribed antibiotic drops may also be used to help fight the infection.
Yes, welllll...that would require a doctor's visit. No dice.

Boil a handful of acacia leaves in two cups of water to make a decoction and apply it as compress on the eyelids.
Sweet Gummi Mary! What is a 'decoction'? And why would I want to place a boiling one on my eyelids?

A grated potato used as a poultice reduces swelling in inflamed eyes.
MmmHmmmm. I'll be rockin' the Save-A-Lot with my grated-potato poultice strapped to my eye. Why, I'll bet they want me to hang around awhile. You know, because it's good for the potato-selling business.

Surgical drainage of the sty may also be necessary if the sty is not responding to treatment.
Hold on there just a cotton-pickin' minute, pardner! The words 'surgical', 'drainage', and 'eye' should not be used in the same sentence. Paula Deen in my front yard eating a lobster! These doctors got some funny 'eyedeas'.

Boil 1 teaspoon of coriander seeds with a cupful of water like an herbal tea preparation to wash the eyes 3-4
times a day.

Nor do I wish to wash my eyes with boiling herbal tea. 3-4 times a day.

One or a combination of antibiotic or steroid drops or injections; warm compresses for 5 to 10 minutes, 3 or 4 times a day; gentle massage to express the glandular secretions; or surgical drainage.
Again, I do not wish to hear the word 'injection' pertaining to my eyes. And can we please not discuss my 'glandular secretions' here, especially after I am supposed to secrete them by gently massaging myself?

This kind of limits my recreational activities. Because, umm...I need my eyes for everything. And with the right one closed, I can not see very well. It is difficult to read, what with the left eye being somewhat far-sighted. I can watch TV, but, DUH, it's Saturday afternoon, and the shows are not very stimulating. I can blog, but again with the left-eye thingy, everything is blurry. I am going to drive to town later to buy some cheap soda and ice for a hot dog roasting outing at the MiniMansion, and Powerball tickets so I can win lots of money and hire my own sty-doctor to have on call. I think the left eye should be able to handle the trip. It's not like people can't see that Large SUV coming and get out of my way. I am not very optimistic about a strange woman in Save-A-Lot telling me I am SO PRETTY, what with the bulging red inner-eye pimple thing going on. When I return home, I'm not sure what I'll be doing. But I AM absolutely sure that housework would not be good for an eye sty. Some dust might get up in there, and we wouldn't want THAT to happen. So it looks like I will be doin' a whole lot of nothin' for a few days.

I may create an eyepatch and refuse to say anything but "Arrgghhhh" for the rest of the weekend. Or not.


Mean Teacher said...

May I offer you some Benadryl?

My dad had a super huge sty one time that wouldn't go away. He had to put steroids on it, I think. I also think they ended up DRAINING it. With a NEEDLE. But don't worry-- I'm sure that won't happen to you, so just try not to think about it.


Bluejinx said...

Make a cup of tea, regular or herbal, your choice, with tea bags.
Take damp, warm (not boiling hot)tea bag and place on your eyelid. This is your moist compress and will help with they sty. Haven't had one in years, but do remember that they're a bitch. Good luck matey!!!!


Hillbilly Mom said...

Mmm...Benadryl. It puts me to sleep, but it takes two hours. I sure wish I'd had some when I broke my arm in third grade.

A big needle? As big as one of those amniocentesis needles, that they only stab you with after they've turned off all the lights in the room? Don't worry. You won't have to ever do that unless you are pregnant and the doctor orders that special little test. I'm sure that will never happen to you.

That will necessitate another drive to town for the teabags. I may give it a shot tomorrow, since I have to get out anyway.

Stewed Hamm said...

Admit it, this is nothing more than an attempt to lure all the people searching for nose pimples away from my blog. Well, they're not falling for your tricks, by cracky!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sweet Gummi Mary! EYE would not attempt to steal your pus connoisseurs. Your tale of the pimple which ate its way from the interior of your nose to the exterior still brings tears to my good eye.

Redneck. Diva. said...

Hey, the pirate thing has worked for me for nigh on 3 years now. Have a go at it. Arrrggghhh, matey!

Hillbilly Mom said...

You are truly the Pirate Master.

But you are not John, the Scientist/Exotic Dancer. He was cut adrift the first night. Doggone it!