Monday, July 16, 2007

Hometown Hillbilly Gazette

After so many weeks of nothing new, this week has been quite eventful. So eventful, in fact, that I must rush out an issue of the Hillbilly Gazette. Yep. I love reading Redneck Diva's news so much, I've got to publish another rag of my own. The only thing holding me back has been the lack of news.

Hear ye, hear ye! Read all about it!

HOMETOWN HILLBILLY GAZETTE
All the News in Hillmomba That's Fit to Print

Local Woman's Tongue Ripped Out in Freak Domestic Accident
A horrifying sight greeted two local youngsters this afternoon, as they witnessed their mother in the act of ripping out her own tongue. In a hurry to rush the oldest boy to his doctor's appointment, the woman tugged too firmly on her tongue, only to find it dangling from her left hand. As the boys gasped, the matriarch declared, "I'll just put it back in for now. There's no time to sew it back on." While stuffing the tongue back into its proper position, she was heard to say, "I should get a refund from New Balance."

Falling IQs Center of Controversy
Mr. Hillbilly Husband has recently started his own think tank. With construction on his MiniMansion complete, and the backyard copper mine not yet begun, Mr. Husband had some time on his hands. Not one to sit idle, he proposed a research topic to his oldest son, #1 Son Hillbilly. The topic of "You and Your Mother Are Not Half as Smart as You Think You Are" has resulted in many a heated discussion around the campfire. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom has been heard to state smugly: "I know I'm at least 75 % as smart as I think I am." To date, there has been no reply from Mr. Husband.

Who Knew? Falling Temps Cause Thaw
The temperature is falling this summer, as the Hillbilly Mom Mother turned on her central air conditioning. Some years she has been known to hold out until August, stating, "I really don't feel the heat. I'm quite comfortable down in the family room." as she props up her bare feet in front of the oscillating fan and dabs her brow with half of a Bounty Select-A-Size paper towel. With the thermostat of her childhood homestead set at a chilly 80 degrees, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom has vowed to end her boycott of her madre's hacienda. Her children were heard to remark that her cold, cold heart melted two sizes today.

Boy's Murder Attempt Thwarted
A rural Hillbilly boy plotted a coldblooded murder this week, after tiring of his mother's daily beratings. He plotted the act in secret, out of sight of her prying eyes. The only witness was his younger brother, noted for singing like a canary, going by the code name of My Little Pony. The dastardly deed occurred on the stairs, the instrument of death being a metal-handled flyswatter of the same kind Mrs. Hillbilly Mom was spanked with as a child. The would-be whacking was thwarted when the victim used his exemplary eyesight to shoot out from under the whacker. This feud seems to be ongoing, with the little murder suspect receiving strict instructions to let no more of the enemy into the Mansion. More on this story as it develops.

Riot Narrowly Averted At Doctor's Office
An angry mob grew restless today while waiting to be called into a local doctor's exam rooms. Some waited for up to 45 minutes before being called back. A patron who asked to use the restroom was told, "If the door isn't locked." He replied that the ones in the main building were closed, and was informed, "They are clogged up." An older fellow was asked to show his insurance card after signing in and sitting down. He muttered to his wife and grandson, "This is a pain in the a$$." He then told the receptionist, "You just saw it last week, it hasn't changed." She argued that the company who bought the hospital requires the card to be seen each time. The oldster proclaimed, "I don't really care. I hope that hospital goes out of business. I need to get a new doctor." For this statement, he received neither an apology nor a suggestion of 'Don't let the door hit your a$$ on the way out.' A young Hillbilly boy received a personal apology from the doctor in the exam room. He and his family high-tailed it out of harm's way before a full-scale riot developed.

That's all the news for today. We shall see what tomorrow brings. It is library day.

4 comments:

Redneck. Diva. said...

Ah, you remind me of a young Clark Kent. Or was that Peter Parker? Or did they both write for newspapers? I need to polish up on my comic book heroes, methinks.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Diva,
I am not at liberty to identify myself. I can assure you that I have a few special powers up my unitard. I can leap a tall building in a single bound and land on a spider, thus squishing the guts out of it.

Redneck. Diva. said...

Okay, if you have a unitard, I will FIND a way to teleport myself. And I'll buy a new camera just for the occasion. Of course, I'll PhotoShop your face all blurry and stuff.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Diva,
OK, I don't really have the unitard. I saw one on Big Brother 8 this week and like to bandy about the term 'unitard'. IF I had a unitard, you would have to blurry out a lot more than my face.