Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Number One Stroking Machine

I am rethinking the demise of the Mansion. Perhaps I can use the advice of StewedHamm and Mrs. Coach, and continue at a new location, sporadically. Like at least once per week. I'm still mulling it over. Whatever mull means.

HH and both #1 sons have gone to a Cardinal's game on four free tickets. That means my #1 son and HH's #1 son, who is 14 years older than his little half-brother. Oh, and he's taking one of his step-kids, if you can call her that, seeing as how he's not married to her mother. It's a tangled familial web we weave here at the Mansion. I asked why the original #1 son didn't take one of his boy step-kids, and my #1 son replied, "Mom. There are two boys. You can't just pick one and not the other, so he's taking the girl." Oh. I suppose that is good logic. And goes a bit towards explaining why HH and I have 8 grandkids to shop for this Christmas.

The charge card bill arrived today, with one of HH's Case Knife Collector Trucks on it. Not the one he just ordered today. The one he ordered June 27. We're talking over $250 in truck knives here, people. I still think my Crashy replacement is more important than HH's adult toys. Not those kind of adult toys. The truck knife thingies.

On Sunday night, when HH was lobbying for the $850 lawnmower, he mentioned that the neighbor across from us, where the LandStealer used to live, asked if he would mow her field. Seems their mower is broken. And HH told her "Sure." She asked what he wanted for it, and he told her he would do it for the gas money. WTF? We can certainly use some extra money for HH to buy a new lawnmower, but he tells her he will basically do it for free? And what was he planning to use to mow it, I ask you? The old mower? If so, then why does he need a new one? The new mower? That would mean he counted on getting it before he even asked for the money. The tractor? It is blocking the road to the barn, in need of repair. When questioned under a bright light for several hours, HH declared he was going to fix the tractor and brushhog the neighbor lady's field. Ahem. Then why couldn't he use the tractor to mow our six-acre yard? He used to. HH says it's because the tractor won't mow very short. I gave up this line of questioning, remembering that last summer HH wanted to set the front yard on fire so the grass would grow back greener. Umm...the front yard of the Mansion. The Mansion which is a cedar home with a wrap-around cedar porch.

I am throwing up my hands in defeat. The mower is a done deal. It's here. My grandma has already squandered her money on prescription medicines. If HH wasn't gone to the game right now, he would be over in the barn, stroking his new equipment.

Which is a mental image that none of us want in our head.

6 comments:

Damnyankee said...

I think I'd be tempted to take one of those new knives to his "equipment", new or otherwise. Now, THERE'S a mental picture for you!

One weekend while I was not home, my precious husband decided to "burn off the hill" beside our house. Now, in his defense, he is actually an employee of the U.S. Forest Service, and even goes out west fighting fires on numerous occasions, since they seem to occur out there every summer (burn, baby, burn. I LOVE overtime money!), so you would THINK he should know a thing or two about how to conduct a controlled burn. When I came home, not only was the HILL burned, but all my lovely jonquils were burned up, too.

If he'd have had a new knife, I'd have whittled some on HIS equipment, by cracky.

Mean Teacher said...

Mowers are a bitch. Our mower cost way too close to either $4k or $5k-- I can't remember, but we don't have a tractor or else we wouldn't have bought the gigantic mower. Mowing 3 acres with a regular Snapper is kind of a two day job.

TH is constantly trying to rationalize buying a small tractor. I tell him he can do it when we build our mansion in the country and actually have something to bush hog. Or when we decide to start taking care of the land up in hickville, which TH refuses to sell even though we are never going to use it as a location for our mansion since it would make a perfect set for a Deliverance style movie, complete with pig loving cousin fking a$$ rapers less than a mile away, and some meth head relatives who frequently break in to the buildings that are currently there.

Run. On. Sentence.

2. Don't let him burn down your mansion.

3. The Cards game sounds fun, esp if it's free. They'll practically pay YOU to go see a Memphis Redbirds game, so I've been to lots of those, but we paid many dollars to see the Cubs and Cards play at Wrigley Field when we were on our honeymoon so I imagine free MLB tickets are a rare treat.

Glad you rethunk the torching of the blog.

Redneck. Diva. said...

"Equipment" is what Tater insists that her male tot calls his you know, guy parts. I think it makes him sound kind of like, grade school gay to say "equipment" when all other boys his age are saying "nuts," "weener," "balls," "'nads." etc. But that's coming from the mom whose boy calls his his "frankfurter."

I feel your mower/money pain. You are a kinder woman than I, though. Mine started whining about needing something this weekend and didn't I have some money from that garage sale? To which I politely said no and I'm now the owner of a new camera. I'm selfish that way.

LanternLight said...

I am rethinking the demise of the Mansion

Please, please, please do.

I'm amazed HH still has his giblets.

Mean Teacher said...

Diva--- FRANKFURTER???????????

What ever happened to weiner, peter, dingaling, etc.

Hillbilly Mom said...

DarnYank,
EEEE! The equipment!

My uncle used to work for the Forest Service in Alaska. I need to ask him why in Missouri, when they burn off the state park land, they don't pick up those metal signs posted every ten feet. Because those fires melt them into blobs, and I'm sure my tax dollars go to paying a prisoner 5 cents per day to make more.

Meanie,
HH used to have a 1954 John Deere with a hand clutch. He almost killed himself every time he drove it, but that thing was a beauty. It could do anything. Then HH tired of the hand clutch, and traded one of his buddies for a smaller tractor, which took attitude when asked to do such simple things as pull a trailer full of hayriders up a hill. Rather than walk on eggshells around the Grandmaster Tractor, HH parked it under the BARn lean-to and switched to the riding mower. One of three riding mowers, with various different-ablednesses among them. Now we are adding a new used mower diva to the harem.

The free tickets are one of the perks of HH's employment. He used to get way more before the new stadium was built. And he gets more Blues tickets than anything. Too bad we're not hockey fans, but he always uses the tickets.


Diva,
One of my kids will only point, and the other says, "Umm...DOWN THERE!" when a tick attaches itself to the boys down under.

I have to rule with an iron hand. We both earn the money, but he is the big spender. Then, when the budget is tight, he says, "I don't care if you buy things. I never have." Yeah. It's sooo much fun to buy things with no money.


Lantern,
HH should thank the Gummi Mary that the vet charges so much for that 'special operation'.


Meanie,
I will thank you in advance for the keyword searches I will be getting FOR ETERNITY.