Monday, May 26, 2008

People Piss Me Off

Yes, they do. Listen here, Sweetie, and listen closely. I am tired of suffering fools, gladly or otherwise. I will now emit a mass quantity of vitriol that I have been harboring for the past several months. You might need some goggles and a raincoat if you are in the front row.

Let's talk about graduation first, because it happened last.

People should not bring those 'horn in a can' thingies to an indoor graduation. I know you are proud of your graduate, but there are better ways to exhibit your pride than blasting that infernal canned horn. It makes me want to scream, "Everybody out of the pool!"

Boys should not wear pastel flip-flops with jeans under their robes.

For cryin' out loud, turn to the camera as you fake-shake hands and grab your diploma. You spent an hour practicing this morning. Don't tell me that part was not rehearsed.

Screaming kids should be taken outside for a walk. Period.

Do not drink before the ceremony. I mean teachers. Just because you chew minty gum does not mean that those alcohol fumes do not waft over the gym for the 60 minutes we are sitting there. And if you are sitting next to me, people might think I am the lush. Seriously. I even mentioned it to the person on the other side of me, and she commented on it, like it was the elephant in the room, and I was the pachyderm. I have not had a drink in 16 years. Do not make me take the fall without even getting the enjoyment out of it. If you can't hold off from imbibing between the end of work at 3:00, and the graduation deadline of 6:45, you might have a problem. And don't think I don't remember that Halloween dance at Basementia a few years ago. There might be an intervention in your future. Just sayin'...

Graduation robes must be outsourced to India or Pakistan now. The fabric could not get any thinner. And the zippers are not exactly high quality. When I tried it on, I had to fiddle with the zipper for 5 minutes before it would slide. Thank the Gummi Mary, I left that sucker zipped, and treated Robey as a pull-over. Because he sure didn't work when I went to disrobe in the office. I pulled him off and tossed him in the box. Let those rental rip-off artists deal with him.

Lady, I parked right by the door, facing out, because I got here 90 minutes early, and I want to make a quick get-a-way. You standing in front of my LSUV kind of cramps my style. Most people know to move when the car is started. You, my dear, must be what we call a slow learner.

More from work...

I will stay after school as goshdarn long as I please. Do not pop into my room and say, "WHY are you still here?" Do you not see both of my young 'uns happily Lappying on the high-speed internet? Leave us alone. I am at my computer either because I am putting in grades, or because I am reading up on Hillary's latest dirty tricks. We do not need you. We do not want you. Do not imply that there is something wrong with us because we are here. Just go away. We are not standing in the door of your room asking why you are leaving.

Control your kids, people. And do not call me an old grouch if I close my classroom door so I don't hear your child run screeching past 3 or 4 times. Enough is enough. I did not yell at your child as I should have, considering that it takes a village to raise a child. I closed my own door. My children are with me. Not running about. Make a note-to-self on childrearing.

Expect me to yell at your 13-year-old child if he comes into MY room, grabs my frail 10-year-old, and tosses him about until his glasses fall to the floor. His $200 'SpongeBob' style glasses. This is why I do not allow other kids to play in my room after school. If this happens while I am sitting right there, imagine what goes on if I am in a meeting. Thank you for hearing me yell at him and not charging in to make me the one who is wrong. This is why your kid has a chance to grow up to be a respectable citizen.

Do not come to my classroom and ask me for paper for the copier. I have one-third of a package left. I use it for my own printer, you know, which I bought myself. I carried that paper down here to use in my printer so I don't have to walk up the hall to get my printouts. You are the 3rd person to ask me for paper this afternoon. I gave some to the first asker, but you are too late. It is not my fault that you waited until the last minute to print your grades. Perhaps a little more working instead of visiting on the prep time will help you avoid this problem next year. Go get the key or somebody to haul you some paper to the copy room. It is not my responsibility. many pissers, so little space. I will stop for now.

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