Crime 101

I just had the most scathingly brilliant idea! I'm going to write some fake ransom notes to frame my little hall-pass extortionists! Who says school isn't fun? I might even bring Mabel on board as a note-writer. Yeah. We'll fix their wagons, those boys who dare to charge me for my own property. OK, technically, it was the property of Basementia. But I seriously doubt that they wanted it back, to await the day when somebody with my name wants to teach there.

Last Friday, one of my other students had made a little visit to the principal's office. I got his paperwork for In-School Suspension, and asked what that was all about. He gave his story that he's stickin' to, which I actually believed, and then he asked if I'd done my little plan yet with the hall pass. He said, "Here's how it should go down. The principal calls both of them in there." He leaned back, with his hands clasped over his stomach. "Then he'll say, 'Boys, you know why you're here, don't you?' And they'll say, 'No.' And he'll say..." (with this, the kid leaned forward, hands still clasped, and rested them on his desk) "...'There's a thing called stealing. And we don't have that in our school. I understand that you boys took something that isn't yours. That is wrong. In fact, it's a crime. I'm going to have to call the sheriff and make a report. And then I'll have to call your parents. What do you have to say?' And by that time, they should both be bawling. That one kid will rat on the first one that took it, and say he had nothing to do with it. Then when Mr. Principal tells them it's all a joke, they'll be so relieved, they'll think it's funny." I told him he looked just like the principal. In fact, he could play the part better than the actual principal. "Well, I've spent my share of time in that office," he said.

I can't decide if I want them both called in together, or separately. Wouldn't it be great if the principal took out some of my self-made ransom notes, and asked them what they knew about them? Then they would really be bumfuddled. They would think another student had the pass, and was framing them. Or I could show them the notes as the week goes on, acting as if they had sent them to me. But I think the office scenario would be better. I'm wondering if I should tip off the mom of the actual pass-thief. She teaches at Basementia. I think she would go along with the joke, and that way she wouldn't have a fit if he doesn't take it well. But then again, she might tell him, and enable him to come up with some double-secret payback plot. This is your tax dollars at work, Missourians.

Oh, what a tangled web I weave...