Monday, January 7, 2008

Oh, The Humanity!

Duh. Let me share some stupidity with you. I'm sure you don't have enough of your own to go around. I'm generous like that.

Remember back when we were planning to trade LSUVs? When HH drove home that one that I really, really wanted, but the salesman insulted us by saying that our trade-in was $2000 less than what we looked up? And then looked it up right in front of us, and said, "Oh. It was less this afternoon." Yeah. Like we were born yesterday, and one of us is born every minute.

Anyhoo, way back then, we cleaned out my LSUV. We were in a hurry. I took stuff out of the console, and told the #1 son to grab things off the visors, and The Pony to get stuff out of the seat backs. We threw everything into a box. I took out the CDs and piled them on the kitchen counter. I think they're still there. I have a big kitchen. Lots of counter space. Later that week, I needed that box to take some things to school. I put the stuff in a bag. When my mom had surgery, I needed that bag. I put the stuff in an Aldi's freezer bag. Never mind that I don't shop at Aldi's. I have three of those bags that I keep in the LSUV in case I need to transport an Ice Baby, or if I am shopping at two stores and need to keep things cool. Last night, I was cleaning up stuff around the kitchen table. Hey, it's not as if we sit down and eat at it regularly. And what better time to clean up around your kitchen table than the night before you go back to school after a 2-week vacation? By this time, I had three Aldi's bags in the house. It's not my fault the #1 son should be fired from his allowance for not taking them back out to the car after we bring in cold food. It's hard enough to get him to carry in the food. I planned on asking HH to take them out when he carted out some cardboard to burn. Which means he loads it in the back of the Scout for about a week, then burns it down at his shanty the next weekend. I mean his MiniMansion.

I sat down and reached my hand into the bag. It's like foil, you know. Like a space-age silvery thick foil bag, only painted blue on the outside, with 'Aldi's' across both sides. Wow! This was like a game of Feely Meely. I found a couple of The Pony's fundraiser prizes, such as a freaky whistle and a pen with a fan on the top. There was a comb, a box of Skittles gum at least three years old, a lens from some glasses that is not mine, a proof-of-insurance card from 2004, three Great Clips punch cards to earn a free haircut on the 9th visit, a receipt from when #1 son went to the allergist in 2006, and some old lottery tickets.

I tossed the junk, saved the treasures, and took a look at the old scratchers. I wanted to see if any were still good to enter in the second-chance drawing that ends Tuesday night. I need $6 worth of specific losers for another entry and a chance to win a Chevy Avalanche, $1000 gas card, or $500 cash. The $1 ticket was no good for the drawing. I started to put it in the throw-away bag, but turned it over. Hey! It won a ticket. I looked at the two $2 tickets. Hey! They each won $2. Wait a minute! They didn't match the number, they had a symbol. A symbol that translated into doubling the prize! WooHoo! I'd just found $9 that I almost threw away. Then I went back to the $10 ticket. I knew it was good for a second-chance entry. It's the same game I've been winning with. I turned it over to look at the front. Every prize had been scratched, so I'd figured it was a loser that the boys had looked at to see what we could have won. The top left number was a winner. $5. I looked some more, because $10 is the least you can win on these. There were a couple of winners. I called in The Pony. He looked. "That's an overall winner, Mom. Every prize is a winner." WHAT! That was 20 x $5. I HAD ALMOST ENTERED A FREAKIN' ONE-HUNDRED-DOLLAR WINNER IN THE LOSER CONTEST! I wonder if the computer would have told me, "Sorry, Ma'am. That is not a loser." Like the clerk told me, "Sorry, Ma'am. That is not a winner." when I took in a ticket way back then that I thought was a big winner. Then I figured I had already cashed it in and forgotten. There was a tidy sum in the secret purse pocket that holds my gambling nest egg, so I thought I'd already cashed it.

Oh, the humanity! What if I'd carelessly tossed out that ticket? My mom says, "If you don't even know where you keep a $100 ticket, you must not need the money." Well, of course I don't NEED it. I WANT it.

Don't hate me because I'm a stupid, sloppy housekeeper. Hate me because I have $109 more than I knew I had yesterday morning.

Or just hate me. Don't cost nothin'.


LanternLight said...

There was a tidy sum in the secret purse pocket that holds my gambling nest egg, so I thought I'd already cashed it.

So what's HH going to spend it on???


Bluejinx said...

I don't want to hate you, I want to send you money so you can buy ME some scratch-off winners!!!!!

When you're hot, you're hot!


Just A Girl said...

what a nice surprise!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Funny you should ask. Just tonight, HH said he COULD have spent that $1000 winner on parts for his collector truck. The truck that has been parked between the BARn and the Mansion for 9 years, ever since my step-grandpa died and left it to him the year The Pony was born. HH has good intentions. He took the bed off of that truck 5 years ago to sandblast and paint it. It's still in the BARn. But he's too late with his hand out, because we already bought NewLappy. I don't know how it slipped HH's mind. I only asked him about 10 times if it was OK with him to spend the money that way. And he never mentioned wanting it all for himself THEN!

Oh, I'm HOT, baby! So hot that when I cashed in my $109 and spent $50 of it on tickets, I won $150 more. Stop me before I win again! NOT!

Indeed. I really must be more careful with my winnings. HH might find them before I do. He has the bug, now. I gave him $40 for his own nest egg. He spent $20 and won $10. Which is better than I expected.

Redneck Diva said...

Wow, when I forgot things last week I didn't come across any hidden money - just a big bowl of mashed potatoes in the microwave...

In the historical words of Napoleon Dynamite, "LUCKY!"

Hillbilly Mom said...

I'll raise you a cardboard round thingy in the oven under the pizza.

Stewed Hamm said...

Steven is coming and his is pissed!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Shh...I am sitting with the lights off, waiting for Steven to realize that I'm not home, and go away.