Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Midwestern Fashionista

The state of Virginia wants to outlaw truck testicles. Good for them! They also tried to prohibit saggy pants that let the underwear show. Thanks for tryin', Virginia. I have a few more spigots to attach to your pipe dream.

Can we get rid of those 'shorts' that are calf length? Especially on men? Because they are not at all flattering to the figure, guys. And while we're at it, tighten up those uniform shorts on basketball players. The time for wearing split skirts has now ended. What's your deal? How can you play with an extra three pounds of fabric flapping around your knees? And why do you need a t-shirt under your basketball jersey? Just wear a t-shirt, then, and save the price of the jersey. In keeping with the fashion show of sports, somebody tell those baseball players that the pants are not trousers. They are athletic wear. They should show off the fancy sock, not go over the heel and over the laces of the shoes. That just looks stupid.

Women need to stop with the dresses over jeans, already. That is OH SO 5TH GRADE, by cracky! Not a good look. OK, so you say that they're blouses in the style of dresses. But they look like dresses. Too-small, too-short dresses. Dresses that your momma laid out for you. Dresses that can't stand alone, but need the crutch of jeans to be seen in public. The jeans are enablers.

Thank the Gummi Mary, we don't see many of those UGGly boots around these here parts. Back in my days of teaching in the one-time center of the United States, the Roper boots were all the rage. They, too, were disturbing, with that little fringey flap over the laces. And the duster coats were just too much. No good came of them, you know. Especially the black ones. It's not like the kids just returned from a cattle drive with John Wayne. Those were a totally unnecessary waste of fabric. Much like the MC Hammer pants, which turned into pro football team pants (with the team logo--not to be worn for games).

I could go on. But I won't. I'm only trying to save some of you from future embarrassment. I'm quite the midwestern fashionista, you know. Just trying to beautify the world, one hillbilly at a time.


Just A Girl said...

I fully agree with all of the above...especially the testicles and jean/dresses.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Thank the Gummi Mary that the testicles have not become an accessory with the jeans dress!

Redneck Diva said...

Abby got it in her sassy little 11 year mind that she was going to wear a mini skirt over her jeans one day. I'm not sure if it was my hysterical laughter or the pointing of my hand back toward her room that made her change. I'm all about letting her be hip and all that, but nuh uh to the dress/jeans combo.

I had a duster back in the day - it was acid washed denim, though. Far from John Wayne cattle drive. Man, I loved that coat.

Sam's playing basketball and let me tell you, uniforms have changed in the 17 years since my graduation. I remember the players wearing tank tops and decently lengthed shorts. Now they wear UnderArmor under their tanks and what looks like tights under their incredibly floppy-saggy-incredibly too long shorts. Wth??? I agree, that can't be aerodynamic! Sam wears the long-ass shorts because that's all you can find, but I have nixed the UnderArmor - it's not like he's going to get cold out there running up and down the court. Geesh.

I may have to steal this theme for my own blogginess.....

Hillbilly Mom said...

ACK! The jeans dress has made its way to Oklahoma. That's not OK.

I remember acid wash. What were we thinking?

Poor Sam. He's another victim of bad sports fashion. Not that his sport is bad...it's the fashion.

Help yourself. You know we have that co-op thingy goin' on.