Friday, January 11, 2008

Bon Voyage!

I'll be shoving off from the Hardee's parking lot at 10:00 a.m. sharp as I embark on my gambling excursion. No need to see me off. I'm a big girl now.

Top 10 Reasons To Ride The Old Folks' Bus To The Casino:

10-I can let someone else drive slowly in the fast lane
9--If I fall and break my hip, there is someone to sue
8--Next to the other passengers, I will look youthful
7--When we disembark, I can beat them all to the turnstile
6--They will play the nickel machines, making the quarters all mine
5--My clothes will look stylish
4--When it's time to leave, I only have to look for blue hair
3--It a fight breaks out, I could take at least half of them
2--I can remember why I'm there, thanks to my NOTcatfood diet
1--No line in the bathroom, courtesy of Depends

I think I will get along with the old people. Maybe I will be their pet.

"Come here, honey. Let me pinch your cheeks."
"Isn't she cute?"
"Give her this shiny quarter. Watch that she doesn't put it in her mouth."
"Do you go to school?"
"Are those your big-girl shoes?"
"Don't get her wound up. You know she's missing her nap."
"Look at her read that book."
"She's sharp as a tack."
"Do you liiiike to gamble?"
"Let her sit by the window so she doesn't spit up."
"Should we put her on one of those leashes?"
"Don't let her out of your sight. Someone might take her."
"Do you have to go potty?"
"Can she have a cracker? I have some in my purse."
"Come sit on my lap, sweetie."

Thank the Gummi Mary, my aunt and grandma will be on that bus to protect me!

Yeah, baby! I'm stoked! But I fear that my hot streak has cooled since Monday. My luck has a freshness date, like that Ranch Dressing in my mother's pantry. If I don't use it within a certain amount of time, it's very, very bad. I bought some scratchers on the way home today. There were no big winners. There were only three winners out of 15 tickets. That's what I get for buying the $2 tickets. I need to dance with the one who brung me, the $10 ticket. But on the positive side, my big check for my extraordinary winner was in the mailbox today. $960!!! They only withheld state tax, because I furnished my SS#. Remember my SS#? It's "1", you know. I only have to report the whole thing on my Federal 1040 next year. You can bet I'm stowing away all my losing tickets, and keeping a gambling log. I am keeping track of the Stevening, because you only have to report gambling winnings to the extent of gambling losses. I figure I will break even by the end of the year.

If I don't get back too late, I'll update you tomorrow.

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