Tuesday, June 5, 2007

HM: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

OK. I ripped off that title from South Park. I'm a cheater, you know. But I am about to share my vacation with you. YEAH! Take off your shoes, pull up a throw pillow, and I'll get out the fondue pot while HH warms up the slide projector. We'll have some coffee cake after the picture show. Promise!

Sadly, we do not have pictures. Our official trip photographer, aka #1 son, is of the slacker generation. He only took a few photos of horses at the Dixie Stampede. Maybe tomorrow I'll put out a couple of them. Maybe not. So you'll just have to imagine. Or if I feel especially energetic after watching Oprah today, I may steal a few internet pics to pass off as my own. I'm a cheater, you know.

I had planned a 3-day vacation extravaganza of posts, entitled Hillbilly Vacation: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. But I think maybe that title has been used somewhere. And I'm not a great big cheater, just a cheater. So instead of telling the good parts, and then complaining, and then discussing HH, I will lump all attributes of each venue into the story as we go along.

First of all, the trip started with HH having a screaming, swearing fit. We're used to it. Not that it's right. Except in HH's mind. He does this every vacation, and every holiday. Shame on him. Poor us. I don't remember what he was mad about. Something about me having a smart mouth, (who knew?) because I defended whichever boy he was screaming at. The good part is, after that little outburst in the garage and driveway, he didn't speak to us for 98 miles. WooHoo!

The drive to Branson passed fairly quickly this time. We all had books to read, or GameBoys to play, or Lappys to fiddle with. Except HH. He doesn't read, wouldn't know what to do with a Gameboy if it bit him in the butt, (except to scream "#%@^&% @#&*%@#ing GameBoy!"), and he can't even see his lap, so a Lappy would be out of the question. Which is probably a good thing, because after all, he WAS driving. We left at 7:45 a.m., and arrived around 1:30 p.m., after HH stopped at a roadside park to pee beside the car, and a McDonald's to pee in their toilet, and at a rest stop to pee and make a sandwich for lunch. And at another rest stop to pee. I'm opening an exhibit at the Mansion called "The World's Smallest Bladder".

Time for Oprah. I'll be back soon.


AND...I'm back. I had to see Oprah because one of her guests was Cormac McCarthy, author of The Road, the last really good book I read. It was way back in April. Which tells you how much reading I was able to do this school year. I knew it was an Oprah pick, because DUH she had that circle thingy with her name on it printed into the cover. But guess what! This book also won some kind of prize. What was that little honor...I think it was...how you say...THE PULITZER PRIZE FOR FICTION 2007. Who knew? Not me. Not until I watched Oprah today. The Road. It's not for everybody. But I'm a sucker for those end-of-the-world books. Probably why The Stand is my favorite Stephen King book. I also liked Earth Abides, by George R. Stewart, and Lucifer's Hammer, by Larry Niven. Earth Abides was written in the 1940s, so is a bit dated. I read it eons ago, and it was dated even then. There's no accounting for some people's tastes, I suppose. Oh, and I heartily enjoyed the movies The Day After, and Testament, and Deep Impact as well.

Sooo...let's see...I was just building my bladder display and had only gotten to the driveway on the vacation report. Perhaps I don't really have the slide show and fondue ready for you. It's a bait-and-switch plot. Instead of vacation slides, all you're going to get is a rousing game of pinochle and some bridge mix. And if the world starts to end, we can jump down into my backyard bomb shelter and be snug as a bug in a rug.

I've lost interest in my vacation. Can you tell? Does it show? I'll continue with it tomorrow. I'll try to get my post out earlier, because tomorrow we are going to Harrah's for the night. I have two free nights, you know. And it's my birthday present and Mother's Day present rolled into one. I am such a thrifty gift-receiver, don't you think?

You can look forward to detailed accounts of The Grand Country Inn, Dixie Stampede, road to Arkansas, Queen of Diamonds Inn, Crater of Diamonds State Park, and Lambert's Throwed-Roll Restaurant. With a little inner-city Little Rock thrown in.

It will take several days to do these stories justice. Because as you know, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom never has a 'routine' anything.


Stewed Hamm said...

I don't see Chevy Chase having a full-on swearing fit at the start of one of his vacations... you've got to clean this up if you ever expect it to see the silver screen. Or have one of those Oprah blurbs on the cover.

MrsCoach2U said...

This post just proves to me that HH and Mr.Coach are somehow related. We only live 2 hours exactly from Silver Dollar City and yet it takes 3 stops for MC to pee. The rest of us just sit in the car and make fun of him. He also gripes, whines and complains about every move, sound and breath coming from us but we aren't allowed to point out his non-blinker use, swerving or bad radio stations. MEN!

Redneck. Diva. said...

This post is another piece of evidence that Paul and HH are the same person.

The screaming, cussing and peeing.....yep, they're the same man, living that double life we see on Lifetime.

Hillbilly Mom said...

We don't have a Family Truckster, either, but the LSUV is close.

We would defintely need Oprah's blurb of approval. I like the Oprah from SNL. I believe it was Tim Meadows who became 'THE OPRAH', and was carried on stage on a litter, by subjects chanting, "All hail THE OPRAH!"

It does appear that they share some DNA. Does he do that thingy where he sneezed uncontrollably about 30-40 times in a row?

I swear they are the same, or clones.