Saturday, May 19, 2007

HM's Supermarket News Flyer

Since nobody is reading on the weekends, I shall please myself tonight. Please. Not pleasure. What kind of a freak do you think I am? Good thing nobody is reading to answer that. I feel like a little dose of "Hillbilly Mom's Free Supermarket News Flyer." You can find it stacked on the counter at the front of the Save-A-Lot. It is canary yellow. Pick one up today. I glean all my information from my keyword searches.

HILLBILLY MOM'S FREE SUPERMARKET NEWS FLYER

HOW TO IRON NYLON
Put your nylon on the ironing board. Turn on the iron. When it is warmed up, place the iron on the nylon. As you can see and smell...nylon melts when you iron it. Good to know, huh?

BUILDING A BERM FOR DUMMIES
Get some dirt. Push it up in a pile, then flatten out the top. You have just built a berm. Don't worry if your berm doesn't look quite right. It's for dummies. They don't know a berm from a hole in the ground. In fact, you could just dig a hole in the ground, and say, "Hey! Dummies! Here's that berm you wanted. That'll be a hundred bucks. Cash." After the dummies pay you, you can walk off counting your money, mumbling, "Stupid dummies!" Because they won't know you are making fun of them. DUH! They are dummies. Kind of takes the fun out of it, though.

OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOT BABY PICTURE
OK, this would be a really funny picture, but I advise you not to make it, because the Division of Family Services kind of frowns upon that kind of thing, quite frankly. You can make a baby open his mouth, but you can't make him insert his foot. And you most certainly can't insert YOUR foot, because that would just be twenty different kinds of wrong. A baby doesn't want your stinky foot in its mouth. And it wouldn't fit, anyway, not without stretching that baby's mouth, which I'm pretty sure is against the law in most states. And that whole bare baby on a bearskin rug photo shoot is probably out of the question, too.

I'VE GOT SOME CHANGE IN MY POCKET GOING JING
Man! That's nothing to brag about. Don't you feel cheated? Everybody else's change goes 'jing a ling a ling'. You got some defective pockets, or some defective change, buddy. I'd try to keep that quiet if I was you.

MABEL SITTING ON THE FRONT PORCH DRINKING CHERRY COKE LYRICS
Mabel sitting on the front porch drinking Cherry Coke, honey.
Mabel sitting on the front porch drinking Cherry Coke, ba-abe.
Mabel sitting on the front porch drinking Cherry Coke...
she'll get fat if she don't switch to Cherry DIET Coke.
Honey, ba-aby, mine.

And don't be callin' Mrs. Hillbilly Mom a plagiarist. That little ditty is in the public domain. Isn't it?

RAISING CANADIAN NIGHTCRAWLERS
Good evening, nightcrawlers. Nice and cool tonight, eh? Here's some garbage for you to munch on. You'll love them round bacon slices. I'll be back in aboot 10 hours to check on you. I'm going to watch the Leafs game. Bon appetit.

LYRICS SHE CURLED UP HER NOSE AS SHE WALKED BY MY CADILLAC
She curled up her nose as she walked by my Cadillac.
She knew the change in my pocket was defective and she laughed.
Mabel was drinkin' Cherry Coke on her front porch,
Canadian nightcrawlers were raised, and she was bored,
And she yelled, "Boy, I built a special berm for you!"

CHORUS
Genius? I ain't one,
But I ain't that dumb.
I'm wild, and I iron my nylon, too.
Some girls don't like boys like me...
Eh...but some girls do.

SAYING, DON'T THROW THE BABY OUT WITH THE TRASH
The origin of this saying is a bit murky, much like the bathwater after a hillbilly takes his yearly bath, whether he needs it or not. One thing is for certain: this idiom is not of hillbilly origin. A true hillbilly would never say something like, "Don't throw the baby out with the trash." Who ever heard of a hillbilly throwing out the trash? Now, he might have said something like, "Don't lose the baby in the trash," or "Don't throw the baby out, I was just about to insert my foot in his mouth and take a picture." Then he went went back to pickin' his banjo with that city fella who was going on a float trip.
De de dee dee dee dee dee dee dee...

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That's all for this edition. I think I hear a pig squealing...

2 comments:

Redneck. Diva. said...

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Hillbilly Mom! You made me laugh out loud with these! You certainly are one hilarious mother hillbilly. (Loved that one, just loved it.)

Hillbilly Mom said...

Diva,
I knew you would be able to sing those tunes. And I thought you would appreciate the child-foot-in-mouth as well.